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about words and understanding



A million years ago now when I was getting my undergrad, an English professor asked our class to choose a poem and memorize it. I picked the poem on pg. 33 of the Robert Hass book we'd just finished reading. It had short lines. This is the reason I picked it.

At the time, I had no idea how to read poetry. The poem made zero sense to me. I just figured I could memorize it quick. Maybe I also liked the first line: Horse is Lorca's word, fierce as wind, . . . but I could have been reading words picked out of a hat—the lines made no sense to me.

My main method of memorizing was saying the poem out loud 7-10 times, then try to say it without looking at the words one line at a time. Who knows how many times I said that poem out loud, but somewhere in there, it all became crystal clear. And, by "crystal clear", I mean it was a poem! the meaning made me see everything new again. That poem may be the reason I kept going to school after I graduated. It's about the horse-parsnip, and how the name sounds nothing like the plant is. 

I thought about this poem a couple of Sundays ago when our gospel doctrine class discussed John 6:22-69 . This section occurs the day after Christ fed more than 5000 people with five loaves of bread and a few fish. He's walked on water to meet the apostles on the boat in the early morning hours, and now a large crowd of disciples have met them on the shore.

Christ tells them they are following him because he fed them before, and that the most important thing they can do is seek "meat which endureth unto everlasting life". This is where Christ tells the people that he is the bread of life. That he will give his flesh for the life of the world. He says, I am the living bread which came down from heaven: if any man eat of this bread, he shall live forever: and the bread that I will give is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.

Immediately, the people are confused and disgusted. They don't understand why they would want to eat someone. They say, How can this man give us his flesh to eat?

Instead of explaining his metaphor, Christ gets more visceral:
Except ye eat of the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day.
For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him.
As the living Father hath sent me, and I live by the Father: so he that eateth me, even he shall live by me.
This is that bread which came down from heaven: not as your fathers did eat manna, and are dead: he that eateth of this bread shall live forever.  
It's grotesque! We sometimes get really judge-y about what happens next which is that many of the disciples that day left. They were offended. But can we really blame them? Christ was telling them that they would need to eat his body and drink his blood to live forever. Even though they had seen him work the miracle the day before, a miracle that fed their bodies to more than satisfaction—being filled! They were offended because what he said was gross and unethical. That's before we get to the eternal life idea. And, so they left.

Why didn't Christ explain himself better here? This was his chance! To us this metaphor is a beautiful thing. Christ as the bread of life is art! But to those at the time, it was new, and it was not culturally correct to suggest eating someone. Why didn't he use different words? He knew some would be offended. He knew so many would go away. Why didn't he explain it differently?

Shouldn't we be troubled still by the loss of eternal salvation there in the synagogue in Capernaum? So many left that Christ asked the apostles if they were offended and would leave too.

I was thinking as we talked about the scripture section that there are so many things I don't understand in the gospel. Things that could be offensive. Things that are really offensive to many people.

I've been shocked re-reading the New Testament. So many of the stories have new and curious meaning now that I am 33 instead of 17. And this is one example: What do you do when your current culture gives a certain negative meaning to words or actions, and then you find them in a holy context? It can be so difficult not to default to my own cultural or educational understandings.

Instead of assuming we know what God means, I think it's so important to default to the prayer: I clearly do not understand this—help me understand what you mean. 

Isn't this faith? Isn't this hope in Christ? To believe, without giving up, that God is good? To say what Peter said: Lord, to who shall we go? Thou has the words of eternal life.



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Have you ever had an experience like this? What happened? Did you learn anything you hadn't expected?

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Reading List:
Elder Rafael E. Pino  
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."—Isaiah 55:8


An Atonement for Every Day



On Sunday, I taught a lesson in our combined meeting with a member of the bishopric about the atonement and applying it in our lives. As I was reviewing it, I realized I really wanted to focus on it again this week as I prepare for Easter. I thought I'd post it here in case it's useful to you. 

It includes a links to talks from Elder Scott, Elder Holland, a big fat quote from Sister Chieko Okazaki, and a bunch of super awesome scriptures. 

I put my personal notes in brackets & grey and I'm attaching the handout I made in case you ever need it in a pinch #resources

Happy Easter!
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"On those days when we have special need of heaven’s help, we would do well to remember one of the titles given to the Savior in the epistle to the Hebrews. Speaking of Jesus’ 'more excellent ministry' and why He is 'the mediator of a better covenant' filled with 'better promises,' this author—presumably the Apostle Paul—tells us that through His mediation and Atonement, Christ became 'an high priest of good things to come.'"—Jeffrey R. Holland ("An High Priest of Good Things to Come"[Hebrews 9: 11-12]

from Richard G. Scott's talk "Trust in the Lord":
When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.
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To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all. When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.
 
Quote from Sister Okazaki
How can we give the answer of faith when adversity seems likely to overwhelm us? Let me share five ways that have helped me.
First, as I’ve already said, we need to acknowledge the emotional reality of what is happening to us. It’s all right to grieve. It’s all right to experience suffering. [Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those that mourn for they shall be comforted"—We cannot be comforted by Christ if we pretend everything is okay.]
But, second, we also need to use our minds. Even if we don’t believe it, we need to tell ourselves: “I don’t know how it will happen, but I know that time will help me deal with this.” We need to set limits and goals for ourselves. I read in a magazine article that one woman, experiencing a shattering divorce, would allow herself to cry when she needed to, but she’d set the timer for ten minutes because she needed to feel that she was stronger than her grief. For her, that was a way of saying that she had a right to grieve but also that she was strong enough to make decisions, not just let the suffering she was undergoing make all decisions for her.  [Matt 1:28-30 "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light) (Moroni 7:40-43 Hope)]
Third, we need to understand the plan of salvation. It may not seem very comforting at times of pain and loss to think about the plan of salvation. It may seem too intellectual, too remote, and too theoretical to be very comforting. But each of us makes sense of our experience in a context. It is wise and truly comforting to see that context as a purposeful and loving plan — and especially as something that we chose.
Francine Bennion, a wise student of the scriptures and of life, explained her perspective in a BYU/Relief Society women’s conference. She said [speaking of the pre-mortal decisions]:
We don’t know if there were several possibilities of which we have no record, but I doubt there was a never-never land where we could have been happy children without responsibility forever. Apparently there was a point at which we had to grow up or choose not to. Our scriptures suggest that there were unavoidable decisions to be made consciously and responsibly by all inhabitants in the premortal council, as in Eden. We could not be mere observers, only thinking about the decision, only imagining what might happen if we made it, only talking about the meaning of it all …
… We wanted life, however high the cost. We suffer because we were willing to pay the cost of being and of being here with others in their ignorance and inexperience as well as our own. We suffer because we are willing to pay the costs of living with laws of nature, which operate quite consistently whether or not we understand them or can manage them. We suffer because, like Christ in the desert, we apparently did not say we would come only if God would change our stones to bread in time of hunger. We were willing to know hunger. Like Christ in the desert, we did not ask God to let us try falling or being bruised only on condition that He catch us before we touch ground to save us from real hurt. We were willing to know hurt. Like Christ, we did not agree to come only if God would make everyone bow to us and respect us, or admire us and understand us. Like Christ, we came to be ourselves, addressing and creating reality. We are finding out who we are and who we can become regardless of the environment or circumstances …

… Suffering is part of the plan. We chose it. We wanted to know it. We understood, in the premortal world, a lesson so powerful that Eve could remember and articulate it even in the moment of terror and shame and uncertainty after she and Adam had partaken of the forbidden fruit. She knew that it was better to pass through sorrow than to remain ignorant of either joy or sorrow. [John 17:3 The purpose of life is to come to know God. (Part of the "intercessory prayer": Last week of Christ's life before the atonement—he is advocating for us. First time we see Christ acting as our mediator and advocate to the Father.)]

Fourth, we can work toward acceptance. I do think we should struggle for understanding just as hard as we can. It’s not showing a lack of faith to say, “I don’t understand this. Tell me how. Explain why.” But at the same time, we also need to remind ourselves — sometimes right out loud — that, as the Lord explained to Isaiah: “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways … For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).

We need to accept and be patient with our lack of understanding. It’s a superb and glowing faith to say, “I don’t understand this and I don’t like it very much, but I accept it. Show me how to live with it, how to deal with it.” The limitations of mortality are so real and so personal that I’m sure one of the things we’re going to do in the next life is laugh and laugh.

You’ve undoubtedly heard the saying, “Let go — and let God.” To me it means, “Let go of your way of seeing things. Let go of your way of fixing things. Trust me. Let me do more than fix it. Let me make it wonderful and new for you.” [Mark 9:23-24 With belief all things are possible: "Lord I believe; help thou mine unbelief"]

Fifth, we need to actively seek the presence of the Holy Ghost and the spirit of Jesus Christ. We are promised this blessing in each sacrament prayer every Sabbath day. This spirit is a promised presence in our lives, not a rare and exotic visitor. It is a comfortable, reassuring companion, not a confusing and upsetting party-crasher. I know that you know the ways in which we can be worthy of this spirit, and the ways in which we can prepare ourselves to receive it, but I want to urge you to concentrate also on welcoming it. Sometimes we’re so busy serving, going to the temple, reading the scriptures, and preparing, preparing, preparing, that we forget to welcome the guest. I’m talking about simply being aware that the Spirit is with us, interacting with that Spirit so that prayers become almost conversations, and recognizing the feelings of that presence. [John 14:16 The comforter]

I testify to you that the answer of faith is a viable one, even in the most difficult of circumstances, because it does not depend on us — on our strength to endure or on our willpower or on the depth of our intellectual understanding or on the wealth of resources we can accumulate. No, it depends on God, whose strength is omnipotence and who has the will to walk beside us in love, sharing our burden, and whose understanding is that of eternity. Many waters cannot quench his love. (Disciples, pg. 172-175)

HANDOUT 

One reason why I love church

worship


























A while back, maybe at the end of October, an older woman in our ward asked me after Relief Society why she didn't have a calling. She looked like she was one hundred years old. She was short and then shorter because she could not stand up straight. She looked me right in the eyes and said, "I want a calling."

So, I relayed the message to our Relief Society president, and it took a week or so, but she was asked to be the Relief Society chorister.

The first Sunday she lead the music, she showed up with her baton which, she told me later, was borrowed because she could not find her own. She wrote the hymn titles in cursive on the chalkboard, and she lead the opening song with infectious charm. 

After the lesson, when it was time to sing again, as the pianist began playing the prelude, she said "Hold on, I have something to say." She thanked the pianist for being ready to play the songs on such short notice. She said she wasn't a professional chorister, but that she would do her best for us. Then, she said she needed some of us to be brave and come sit close to her. We were scattered loosely throughout our large classroom. She said in a loud voice—I can't even hear you! Come sit close to me.

All twenty of us in the room got up and changed seats. We all packed in right in front of her like a can of Sunday sardines. She said: Thank you. Now I'd like to read the words before we sing.

She read those words. I can't remember the hymn, but I do remember the feeling of sitting so close to all these women I love. Then we sang. 

I'm pretty sure all of us got a lesson of leadership & love burned into our souls. It did feel like God was in the room.

A few weeks ago, she died. One week she was taking the sacrament with us, making comments, leading the music, and then she was gone. For about three weeks in a row before she died, I watched her track down the ward clerks to make sure she had the correct tithing report—she was concerned because she had recently moved her records to our ward. She was there with us the last Sunday of the year! She introduced her daughter in Relief Society! I saw her just the next day in the lobby of her apartment building. We hugged! Six days later, she died of pneumonia. She'd waited for all her daughters to get to the hospital.

One of the last comments she made in our Relief Society was to compliment our ward music director. It was Christmas Sunday, and she interrupted our closing announcements to stand and say that we had had the best Christmas music she'd ever heard during a Sacrament meeting in the last 40 years. She said she just wanted to thank everyone who had been involved. Then she sat down.

It was so kind! And, such a gracious moment to witness. The ward music director wasn't even in the room.

After she died, I just kept having this strange feeling of holiness towards her. I'd known her for maybe 10 Sundays of her 86 year life. 86 years! Just ten Sundays! But, I feel like it is such a sacred thing to worship with someone, to be a witness for those Sundays, to be touched by them literally, but also to watch as they interact with others. To learn from them. She was so kind and so feisty. She did it just perfect.

Her name was Marian.
May we all someday interrupt meetings to give extravagant compliments!

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Have you ever had this experience? Where you learned something really important from someone you didn't really know? Something you'll never forget? Or have you witnessed something really wonderful before a person died?
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Of Women and the Priesthood Part 2: What other authority can it be?

relief society

"Just as necessary is the labor of the Relief Society in the Church as it is—shall I say?—with the quorums of the Priesthood. Now some may feel that I am expressing this a little too strongly, but my own judgment is that the work that you, our good sisters, are doing, finds its place and is just as important in the building up of this kingdom, strengthening it, causing it to expand, laying a foundation upon which we all may build, just as much as it is for the brethren who hold the Priesthood of God."Joseph Fielding Smith 
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I'm not sure how much we talk about priesthood power as women. I think because it's really personal. Sometimes we might discuss it in Relief Society or listen to someone mention it in a conference talk. I think we should talk about it more. But, I think it is also interesting that Elder Oaks' April talk made a point to clarify that women have priesthood authority in their callings and this is distinct from priesthood power. First, he quotes Joseph Fielding Smith from 1959:
In an address to the Relief Society, President Joseph Fielding Smith, then President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said this: 'While the sisters have not been given the Priesthood, it has not been conferred upon them, that does not mean that the Lord has not given unto them authority. … A person may have authority given to him, or a sister to her, to do certain things in the Church that are binding and absolutely necessary for our salvation, such as the work that our sisters do in the House of the Lord. They have authority given unto them to do some great and wonderful things, sacred unto the Lord, and binding just as thoroughly as are the blessings that are given by the men who hold the Priesthood.'
In that notable address, President Smith said again and again that women have been given authority. To the women he said, 'You can speak with authority, because the Lord has placed authority upon you.' He also said that the Relief Society “[has] been given power and authority to do a great many things. The work which they do is done by divine authority.'
Then Elder Oaks clarifies that it isn't some nebulous or undefined authority, but priesthood authority:
We are not accustomed to speaking of women having the authority of the priesthood in their Church callings, but what other authority can it be? When a woman—young or old—is set apart to preach the gospel as a full-time missionary, she is given priesthood authority to perform a priesthood function. The same is true when a woman is set apart to function as an officer or teacher in a Church organization under the direction of one who holds the keys of the priesthood. Whoever functions in an office or calling received from one who holds priesthood keys exercises priesthood authority in performing her or his assigned duties. 
I have been endowed with priesthood power in the temple of Jesus Christ, and I wear the garments of the Holy Priesthood every day. Because of temple ordinances, I feel the confidence to act in God's name as I serve and love others around me, and as I receive revelation for my own challenges & questions. I have access to this priesthood power in my in my life every day dependent only on my faith and honesty to promises I made in my temple ordinances.

I've felt priesthood power as I participated in my church assignments, but I wouldn't have called it "authority" consciously—and I do think Elder Oaks' naming it this way changes things.

The doctrine Elder Oaks clarifies here is really empowering to me not just because it gives a name for how I've felt many times before as I served in a church assignment (especially before I went to the temple)—but, because it helps me feel more the confidence and support of the Lord.

Since Elder Oaks' talk, I've been thinking about how I think about priesthood authority and my service in the church.

When I visit a woman because I am her visiting teacher, do I feel priesthood authority? Do I name it with this term? When I prepare to teach an Relief Society lesson, do I feel priesthood authority? Do I feel priesthood authority when I write the Relief Society lesson summary emails? When I act as a representative of the ward or Relief Society in any assignment?

I think it's important to really think about what Elder Oaks said, and call it "priesthood authority"—out loud and in our minds.

A few months ago, I was asked to prepare a dinner for a man in my ward whose wife had died the night before. The couple didn't have children, or their children were grown—I don't know because I had never met him. When I tried to call, there was no answer and he had no real voicemail message that confirmed the existence of a human being on the other side of the phone who lived at the address listed in the ward directory. I figured I could make a simple dinner that wouldn't spoil if no one was home (and I had to leave it on the porch).

As I was preparing the meal, I thought about the work women did during the time of Christ's ministry—part of which included preparing meals. I thought about preparing food to give someone sustenance in grief. Why can't that be sacred? Why isn't it a kind of ordinance? I felt like it was an ordinance that afternoon. I felt it was holy to prepare the meal, wrap it in a brown paper grocery bag and walk the short block to his house where I knocked, then left it on his front porch. I came back later, and it was gone—a light on at the back of the house.

Later, someone told me that the widowed wasn't sober a whole lot. I thought it didn't affect the holiness of the action. If anything, the holiness mattered more, was needed more. I hoped the man felt the love of God and the love of his community.

Because Elder Oaks had named it, I felt the priesthood authority in being a Relief Society woman—delivering a meal on behalf of the ward. I had felt this feeling of sacredness in service before, but it was magnified with a name—with specificity.

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So, what else can I do to magnify priesthood authority in my church ministry and service? My church callings and assignments?

The other day, one of my friends posted a link to this gorgeous talk by Patricia Holland on Facebook.

She talks about overcoming worry and fear, and becoming women of greater faith in Jesus Christ. She says, "I would like to a pose a question for each of us to ponder. How do we as women make that quantum leap from being troubled and worried to being women of greater faith?"

I think a similar question applies to the discussion of priesthood authority in church work.

What if I asked, "How do I as a woman make that quantum leap from being unaware and unconscious of priesthood authority to being  a woman of greater faith and authority in Christ?" 

Patricia Holland says, "Often we fail to consider the glorious possibility within our souls. We need to remember that divine promise, 'The Kingdom of God is within you.' (Luke 17:21.) Perhaps we forget that the kingdom of God is within us because too much attention is given to this outer shell, this human body of ours, and the frail, too-flimsy world in which it moves."

Patricia Holland names five steps toward this kind of "the kingdom of God within you" actualization and great faith in Jesus Christ:
Prayer
Scripture Study
Charity
Humility
Holiness to the Lord

Prayer
[...] If we are to search for real light and eternal certainties, we have to pray as the ancients prayed. We are women now, not children, and we are expected to pray with maturity. The words most often used to describe urgent, prayerful labor are wrestle, plead, cry, and hunger. In some sense, prayer may be the hardest work we ever will engage in, and perhaps it should be. It is pivotal protection against becoming so involved with worldly possessions and honors and status that we no longer desire to undertake the search for our soul.
Scripture Study
We must turn to the scriptures for God’s long-recorded teachings about our souls. We must learn. Surely every woman in this church is under divine obligation to learn and grow and develop. We are God’s diverse array of unburnished talents, and we must not bury these gifts or hide our light. If the glory of God is intelligence, then learning, especially learning from the scriptures, stretches us toward him. 
He uses many metaphors for divine influence, such as “living water” and “the bread of life.” I have discovered that if my own progress stalls, it stalls from malnutrition born of not eating and drinking daily from his holy writ. There have been challenges in my life that would have completely destroyed me had I not had the scriptures both on my bedstand and in my purse so that I could partake of them day and night at a moment’s notice. Meeting God in scripture has been like a divine intravenous feeding for me—a celestial IV that my son once described as an angelical cord. [...] I have discovered that by studying [the scriptures] I can have, again and again, an exhilarating encounter with God.
Charity
Through the last decade, Satan has enticed all humanity to engage almost all of their energies in the pursuit of romantic love or thing-love or excessive self-love. In so doing, we forget that appropriate self-love and self-esteem are the promised reward for putting others first. “Whosoever shall seek to save [her] life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose [her] life shall preserve it.” (Luke 17:33.) [...] With charity, real growth and genuine insight begin. 
Humility
This is a time for self-evaluation. To see ourselves as we really are often brings pain, but it is only through true humility, repentance, and renewal that we will come to know God. “Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart,” he said. (Matt. 11:29.) We must be patient with ourselves as we overcome weaknesses, and we must remember to rejoice over all that is good in us. This will strengthen our inner selves and leave us less dependent on outward acclaim. When our souls pay less attention to public praise, they then also care very little about public disapproval. Competition and jealousy and envy now begin to have no meaning. Just imagine the powerful spirit that would exist in our female society if we finally arrived at the point where, like our Savior, our real desire was to be counted as the least among our sisters. The rewards here are of such profound strength and quiet triumph of faith that we are carried into an even brighter sphere. [...]We are reborn—
Holiness to the Lord
For those of us who, like the brother of Jared, have the courage and faith to break through the veil into that sacred center of existence (see Ether 3:6–19), we will find the brightness of the final [step] brighter than the noonday sun. There we find wholeness—holiness. That is what it says over the entrance to the fifth [step]: Holiness to the Lord. “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God?” (1 Cor. 3:16.) I testify that you are holy—that divinity is abiding within you waiting to be uncovered—to be unleashed and magnified and demonstrated.
(Please read her talk because these five excerpts are just a small part of it.) 

Why is important to understand priesthood authority (in addition to priesthood power)? To embrace what it means as I serve in Christ's church?

I'm not sure, but I keep thinking of the scripture in Moses, For this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the eternal life of man, and the verses in First Corinthians where Paul talks about unity and says: Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is part of it. 

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Let's try this experiment of naming priesthood authority in our lives: When have you had an experience where you felt priesthood authority in an assignment for church?

If you are a woman, has the way you view service in your calling changed since Elder Oaks' talk? Or, if you're a man, has the way you view women's service changed since Elder Oaks' talk?

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Reading List
To Bless and Sanctify: 3 Meditations on the Sacrament
Women at Church  
1st Corinthians 12:7-31
Of Women and the Priesthood Part 1