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shimmer great salt lake

Brian and I drove out to the Great Salt Lake today.

The skies were so blue yesterday and this morning—I couldn't ignore that big salty lake haunting the north-western horizon.

I thought driving out there would be a good way to celebrate the last day of the year.

I have a love-hate relationship with New Years. I love the festiveness. The newness right next to oldness. I just hate the anti-climactic wait until midnight. I also hate feeling forced to go to a party. And, then forced to keep festivities going until a certain time. The exhaustion! The waking up tired! It's an anti-celebration!

I stopped going to New Years parties circa the December Avatar came out in theaters. Instead, I try to celebrate the new year with some tangible activity outside. This is a lot easier in California where it doesn't ever get below 20 degrees Fahrenheit.

Today, it was about 18 degrees outside as we drove out to the lake. I wish I could say I got out of the car and walked out to the water, but I am weak when it comes to coldness—it is my kryptonite. So, we drove to the marina. And, every few hundred yards, Brian stopped the car so I could hop out and take a proper photograph two steps away from the car door. But, still! I feel it was a sufficient celebration. Even from inside a window shield, I felt baptized by the view. The wide openness. The snow saltiness. The lines of color—white—brown—white—dark blue—sky.

And, so the clean white shimmering slate is presented.

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What you do to celebrate, especially if it doesn't include a late-night, midnight party. What are your rituals? What are your traditions? p.s. has anyone done this before? 

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Reading List
Of Holy Words and Beauty for Ashes  
"Ring Out Wild Bells"—Hymn #215



Of Holy Words & Beauty for Ashes: a guest post from Bianca Lisonbee


mormon religion God

A preface: 
"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." —Isaiah 61:3
Bianca's Essay:

A few years ago, not long after my sister was diagnosed with cancer, I became immobilized by my fears.  I could not get rid of the pit of anxiety in my stomach that I would wake up with each morning and that would stay with me throughout the night and day.  

I feared losing Rita, feared watching her suffer, feared the lack of my own ability to help her through her illness. Every scenario that presented itself induced in me great fear.  I prayed to have peace.  There were moments when I had glimpses of peace, but they were short-lived. I figured that one reason they were short-lived was because the Lord wanted me to recognize how precious they were and that they truly were a gift from him and that maybe if I felt that way all the time I would grow to take that peace for granted.  So I assumed that I just had to live with the fear.  That was until I attended a [devotional] at BYU with Elder Roger Merrill.  I will never forget the effect his words had on me.  He said that Satan was getting to otherwise good and faithful members of the Church through doubt and fear.  He said, "We must have zero tolerance for doubt and fear in our lives!" 

Zero tolerance?  I thought to myself,  "How do you have zero tolerance for something that is an involuntary reaction?"  I could see having zero tolerance for drug abuse, or pornography, or whatever else it seems like we have a CHOICE in avoiding, but how could I reject what for me seemed out of my power to control?

I thought about this for days and then I reflected on how Christ handled His temptations in the wilderness.  Each time Satan tempted Him, he used the power of the scriptures to dispel him. Sure I knew that reading my scriptures was a good way to dispel fear and doubt, but I couldn't really spend my entire waking moments reading them, could I?   But was I really using the power of the Word in the way Christ exemplified?

I took a very close look at the thoughts I was allowing myself to entertain.  Many of them were full of doubt and fear.  Although the initial appearance of those thoughts and feelings felt involuntary, was I really making any effort to cast them out?  I've heard it said that a bird may land on your head, but it doesn't have to build a nest there.  I discovered that I had been harboring in my mind the tangled nests of the birds of prey of fear and doubt.  

I realized that many of the thoughts I had been "innocently" entertaining were a direct affront to things I was supposed to believe. They were in essence an insult to the Lord.  No wonder I was not at peace. I was driving the spirit away.

I knew what I must do. By increasing my awareness of these thoughts I would identify each time one came into my mind and I would treat it like a fiery dart aimed at me and I would then have to hold up the shield of faith with the power of God's word to combat each one.

For example: When I would leave Rita's house seeing that she was going downhill and thinking of all the things we were not going to get to do together that we had anticipated all our lives, the thought would come, "This wasn't supposed to happen…."  I would immediately say, (sometimes out loud) "All things shall work together for the good of those who love the Lord" or "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, lean not unto thine own understanding.... 

Or, when I would think about what she was going to miss out on in life, I would think to myself, "She's being cheated—it's not fair."  I would immediately say what Joseph Smith taught, that  "All your losses will be made up to you in the Resurrection if you remain faithful, by the power of the Almighty I have seen it." 

Another twig in my nest of fear and doubt had come from thoughts of self pity: "Why did this have to happen to me?"  I would then cast this away with, "All these things shall give thee experience and be for thy good, the Son of Man hath descended below them all. art thou greater than He?" or "The Lord loveth whom He chastenteth."

One of the very hardest thoughts for me was "Why does she have to suffer so much?"  I then reminded myself of Peter's words that "Her trials will be more precious to her than gold."  And I knew that even though I would do all in my power to relieve her suffering I must not charge God foolishly for it was in her extremities that she was coming to know Him.

The marvelous thing that I found was the immediate effect this exercise had on me.  It was as if the Holy Ghost was so attracted to these thoughts that doubt and fear could not persist.  I found the Lord honoring my effort with such an added measure of His spirit that my anxieties began to dissipate quite instantly.  And the peace that attended these words and thoughts was not short-lived. 

[The peace] still persists today, even after all those terrible things I feared came to pass. [The peace] was there to sustain me through the last days and moments of her life and beyond. 

And now I have found myself having to continue to do the same thing with other fears in my life—[…] What if our business fails?  What if ?  What if? What if?  And each time I hold up the shield of faith it truly deflects the fiery darts of fear and doubt that can be so crippling to the abundant life and to my ability to serve.

In the past, I certainly could have come up with those scriptures if I had been preparing a talk or lesson on the subject, but I found I had not been using them as the Savior did to fight the temptation of doubt and fear.

When I told my BYU class about this, we decided to practice this exercise in class.  I would have them call out a negative thought or fiery dart. They said things like—

"I am such a loser" 

We would then come up with a scripture to quote to quench that dart such as "The worth of MY soul is great in the sight of God." 

Or if our thought was, "HE is such a loser." 
"The worth of HIS soul is great in the eyes of God."

"I have too many weaknesses, I'll never make it." 
"I will come unto Christ and be perfected in Him."

"This is just too hard for me."
"With God nothing is impossible."

"I'm too tired." 
"I will give you rest."

"I'm afraid."
"I have not given you the spirit of fear."

"I feel all alone."
"I will never leave or forsake you."

Within minutes the spirit in that classroom was so strong, illustrating to all of us once again the power of the Word. 

I realized this is because these are more than mere words.
They are more than nice phrases in a Hallmark card. 
They are more than positive affirmations.  
These words, uttered in faith, unleash the power of the truths they represent. These words are the words of Christ which allow us to speak with the tongue of angels and to be ministered to by them.

These are words that The Word Made Flesh uttered and words that by Him and through Him the power to create all things was manifest. These words, uttered in faith, give us access to a divine source of grace and truth that can be found in no other way.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have struggled with fear and anxiety.  I know that this is a truth that has had to be learned and re-learned in my life.  But I testify of the power of demonstrating faith in the word of God to quench the fiery darts of the adversary. 

I testify that in my own life I have not had to assume that I just have to live with crippling anxiety whether it be over having to fly on airplanes or in worrying about the welfare of my children and grandchildren.

In literature, there are legends that tell that if one were in possession of a certain word that with the utterance of that word, ones enemies could be vanquished or that by the use of a word, power, not before accessible, could be accessed.

Perhaps these ideas have been born out of the truth that it is in God's Word, Christ, who gave us His words, that all these things can be accomplished for those that love him and seek to know and live by His words.

Elder Holland has said:
“The Savior said, ‘Peace I leave you, my peace I give unto you … Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.’ (Hon 14:27)

I submit to you that may be one of the Savior's commandments that is, even in the hearts of otherwise faithful Latter-Day Saints, almost universally disobeyed; and yet I wonder if our resistance to this invitation could be any more grievous to the Lord's merciful heart. 

I can tell you this that as a parent: as concerned as I would be if somewhere in their lives one of my children were seriously troubled or unhappy or disobedient, nevertheless I would be infinitely more devastated if I felt that at such a time that child could not trust me to help or thought that his or her interest was unimportant to me or unsafe in my care.

In that same spirit, I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when he finds that his people do not feel confident in his care or secure in his hands or trust in his commandments."—Come Unto Me, Ensign, Apr. 1998, p. 19

And I would add— trust in his words.

"Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not."
                              —Doctrine and Covenants Section 6:36

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What are the holy words you use to fight worry or anxiety? frustration? fear? anger? jealousy? What are the scriptures you use to usher in beauty for ashes?

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How I Got Married part 1: The Time I Realized I was an Adrenaline-Dating Junkie

dating marriage truth


Here's one thing that happened:

I was about to turn 31 years old. I lived in a white house in the avenues downstairs from a good friend. I was currently "dating/not-dating" a 37 year-old man with two children. For various reasons, I thought our "dating/not-dating" relationship was going somewhere—that it was worth going somewhere. I knew it wasn't necessarily healthy, but I figured all that would change when x, y, and z occurred. In this case, x, y, and z consisted of him moving into his new house, Christmas happening, New Years, etc. He's divorced, I said. He's got two kids. There's just a lot going on for him.

At this same time, I received a small and curiously lovely birthday present in the mail from a guy who'd taken me out in the summer (shortly after the 37 year-old man with two children broke up with me for the first time). This guy took me out a few times, and we had a lot of fun. Unfortunately, I still wanted to be sad about the break-up, and the new guy went back to school far far away.

Anyways, he was still my friend, and he'd sent me a very small, but very kind birthday present.

I had the hideousness to stand in my kitchen and tell my upstairs neighbor about the present, and that while it was beautiful—why did he send it to me? 

I'd just spent ten to fifteen minutes explaining—with rapture—all the glorious reasons why it was worth dating a guy who wasn't telling anyone we were actually going on dates.

My neighbor didn't say anything about the birthday present, or about the dating/not-dating boyfriend situation.

He just said, "You don't like guys who are interested in you do you?"

And, then after a short silence he said, "No, it disgusts you when guys are interested in you."

I immediately protested. No way! That's not true.  
I told myself that he often inappropriately psychoanalyzed people.
I reminded myself that he was not a therapist.

But, his words flipped something in my brain.

They uncovered an ugly truth.

I could remember the last time I'd dated a guy who made it easy for me to date him. But, it was a long time ago.

The truth is that I like challenges. This isn't a negative or a positive quality, but there's a part of me that loves the adrenaline in a challenge—the wondering if something is possible, the absolute stubbornness in the face of impossibility. And, while possibly positive for art projects, humanitarian projects, and life goals—adrenaline is just not a healthy way to build a relationship that leads to stability and perpetuates happiness.

Why was I dating a high-maintenance man who was maybe interested in me, but required heavy sacrifices and emotional carefulness only on my side?

I knew I didn't want that in a marriage.

Why was I actively participating in a relationship that fostered it?

These were all good questions, which I immediately pretended didn't exist.

The 37 year-old forgot my birthday. Then, a few weeks later, he broke up with me in a fast-food restaurant.

So, all winter, my neighbor's statement and my resulting questions haunted me.


I wanted to do something different.

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Anyone else out there facing ugly truths? How have facing them helped you make positive changes? 

AND/OR

How have people in your life helped you face ugly truths? Why do you think it worked? (because we all know we don't like being bossed around by other people)
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Reading List:
Stuck 
Love or Love Addiction? 
Love is Not Enough—Favorite quote: "Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?"  
"Ain't Gonna Work" by the Folka Dots

Of Women and the Priesthood: Part 1 (What I learned from President Burton and Elder Oaks)

Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heavenDoctrine & Covenants 121:45 

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This past summer, I was asked to teach a lesson on the priesthood from the Joseph Fielding Smith manual. Two weeks before, we'd studied Elder Oak's talk for RS, and I wanted to connect both materials along with President Linda K. Burton's Ensign article from her 2013 Women's conference address.

I don't usually use so many sources when teaching from a manual, but I thought, President Burton and Elder Oaks have new things to say—so I want this to be updated.

Except, as I started studying, I was shocked with how little I knew about the priesthood in the first place. For example, Why didn't I already know the difference between priesthood power, priesthood authority, priesthood keys, and priesthood offices? That information is something I could have looked up in a simple study.

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Before preparing for the lesson, I thought I knew a lot about the priesthood. I mean, I think I thought I knew enough. Things like offices, authority, and keys represented technical information I didn't need to totally understand becuase I had so many other great & interesting questions!

I really believe the ninth article of faith: We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God. And, I really believe God has more to reveal to us about the priesthood and about women's ministry within that priesthood. I've been praying that the church can receive more from God on that topic.

But, as I studied the lesson and the articles by President Burton and Elder Oaks, I thought: God cannot reveal any more until we care about what we've already been given.

President Burton specifically asks us to learn all we can about the priesthood (she even asks everyone to memorize the priesthood Oath and Covenant):
"We rejoice that we are privileged to live in this season of the history of the Church when questions are being asked about the priesthood. There is great interest and desire to know and understand more about the authority, power, and blessings associated with the priesthood of God. [...] We hope to instill within each of us a greater desire to better understand the priesthood."—Priesthood: “A Sacred Trust to Be Used for the Benefit of Men, Women, and Children” (May 2013)
Elder Oak's quotes her in the beginning of his talk as he introduces the importance of his topic for everyone in the church:
That need [the desire to better understand the priesthood] applies to all of us, and I will pursue it by speaking of the keys and authority of the priesthood. Since these subjects are of equal concern to men and to women, I am pleased that these proceedings are broadcast and published for all members of the Church. Priesthood power blesses all of us. Priesthood keys direct women as well as men, and priesthood ordinances and priesthood authority pertain to women as well as men. 
I also think studying the history of Relief Society and the importance of women's ministry is essential to the study of the priesthood.  Do you remember when President Julie B. Beck begged us to learn about it? Have you read Daughters in My Kingdom? Have you read the Relief Society Minutes yet? (It's so exciting that we have access to the original online!) I've read parts, but not the whole thing.
We study our history because it helps us change. Ultimately, the value of history is not so much in its dates, times, and places. It is valuable because it teaches us the principles, purposes, and patterns we are to follow, it helps us know who we are and what we are to do, and it unites us in strengthening the homes of Zion and building the kingdom of God on the earth. Relief Society, when it operates in an inspired way, can replace fear, doubt, and selfishness with faith, hope, and charity. As we move the Lord’s work forward, the history of Relief Society will continue to be written by faithful sisters throughout the world. The lord is strengthening Relief Society in the living present and preparing a glorious future for his daughters.”—Julie B. Beck "Daughters in My Kingdom: The History and Work of Relief Society" (October 2010)

So here's my challenge. Read Elder Oak's and President Burton's articles. Read Daughters in My Kingdom. Read the RS Minute Book! Let's read them together :)

What is your favorite part from President Burton and/or Elder Oak's talk? 
       What did you learn?
What did their articles inspire you to do?

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Reading List
Linda K. Burton “A Sacred Trust to Be Used for the Benefit of Men, Women, and Children” (May 2013) or the  Ensign abbreviated version here (June 2014)
Her reading list:
Doctrine and Covenants 121:34–46 (Priesthood Oath and Covenant)
Doctrine and Covenants sections: 13,2084107, and 121  Book of Mormon, Alma 13
Doctrine and Covenants 121:34–46  
Dallin H. Oaks "The Keys and Authority of the Priesthood" (April 2014)

Relief Society Minute Book (1842)


On Being Married Practically a Year

pegasus

So far, we've been married 11 months which is pretty bizarre to me.

I still turn to say to Brian, "We're married!" on a regular basis. As if by saying it over and over, I will somehow be able to wrap my head around the idea of being married. It's too huge for me to really understand in one day or 270 days, but I feel like maybe that is the whole point—marriage is supposed to be understood only over thousands of days—millions of minutes.

When Brian asked me to marry him, it felt like he'd invited me to sit with him on a back porch somewhere—something that equaled peace and gorgeousness. Some thing as natural and as easy as taking a drink of water. It felt good to make a choice that didn't make me feel chills or hyper or scared or overly star-crossed romantic. It felt good to love him—to be loved by him.

When we got engaged, it was important that I didn't need to marry him. It was important that I could actually live without him. I'd had so many dating escapades where the stakes were really high and spiked with adrenaline. It felt good to know I was choosing, not being fated to the altar based on a feeling I had on the first or second date.

It was a relief to say out loud: If I broke up with him, I would marry someone else good and kind. I can live without him, but I want to marry him.  I don't have to marry him, but I choose to love him forever.

A year ago, I may have apologized for how anti-romantic that might sound to someone not inside my brain. But, I won't ever apologize now.

At my reception, my best friend Emiline read Shakespeare's Sonnet 116. When I originally asked her to read a poem she loved about love, she immediately started speaking the words, and then my friend Mary chimed in. It was a pretty magical moment.

And, it was a magical moment when she prefaced her recitation at our wedding by talking about how love should be rational. Then she talked about lichen, and how it is two living organisms that combine. She talked about how lichen can survive the harshest climates and conditions in the world. Then, she recited the words:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: O no; it is an ever-fixed mark, that looks on tempests, and is never shaken; it is the star to every wandering bark, whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass come; love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 
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The day we got home from our honeymoon, Brian went to the grocery store to purchase food and tampons. While I slept off cramps, he made me dinner.

A few days later, when I clogged the toilet, he went to the hardware store to buy a plunger.

He now knows that I sometimes set my alarm a full hour before I need to get up—just so I can go back to sleep, and that I often leave my belongings all over town. He also knows I have to go to the bathroom, sometimes, twice a night.

I know that he always eats breakfast. He is particular about where he buys gasoline, and he loves nature documentaries.

We do each other's laundry. We make each other dinner. He makes me breakfast. It took us five months to sleep through an entire night without waking each other up.

We fight about downtown parking and carbon caps, and I feel perpetually guilty about the time I spend online when maybe we should be having a conversation.

We're still working on organizing exercise into mornings filled with each other and after-work evenings of dinner and errands and other things. We have "drawing" time recently, which means he draws and I write blog posts. He does not start the timer until he hears me actually typing on the computer because he knows I will procrastinate until the bitter end.

I make him listen to Dave Ramsey. He tells me about stories he hears on the news. We pray for each other's family members and friends because now they are ours. The best: when we can pray in gratitude for answered prayers for people we love together.

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This is all to say, mostly songs and movies lie about what romantic love looks like and what it feels like.

It's okay to choose to fall in love. And, it's okay if you don't feel desperate or star-crossed about it. In the words of my cousin, Sally: Find someone who is helpful. Find someone who nourishes you. In the words of my friend, Samantha: Find someone who is kind to you. As my friend Carly says, Balm to your soul.


Marrow to your bones. 

Find someone who is your equal.
As Emiline says, A collaboration.


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Dear readers, what do you say? What is your advice on finding and/or creating a marriage of "true minds"?

What surprised you the most about being married?

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Reading List:
The article starts out slow but gets amazing real quick. Presents research by John Gottman on how he could found physiological factors predicted how a marriage would end (or continue). Basically, the couples who were feeling a lot of adrenaline—didn't make it. The couples who were calm and generous—still married and happy.

Favorite quotes: 
"In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for."
"Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating.  A country of people trying to live a Disney movie."

On Vanity: or the Tragedy of "Modest is Hottest"

modesty
One of my favorite days last Winter semester was the afternoon my students and I looked at the argument behind the phrase "modest is hottest".

We'd been talking all year about how words, phrases, graphics, commercials, lyrics, even colors can make an argument. And, how an argument, or rhetoric (how something is presented or explained), can change reality. I don't know what prompted the discussion this day—I think we were talking about cliches we sometimes say as Mormons—and how sometimes they don't actually match up with church doctrine. One of my students raised her hand and said: What about "modest is hottest"? 

A perfect example! I immediately wrote it on the board. Most of the students laughed—it's not a typical phrase to write on college class white board.

I acknowledged that the phrase is almost always used jokingly, but I challenged the students to see, even as a joke, the reality the phrase creates just by saying it out loud.

To examine the "reality" of this cliche, first we brainstormed words the students associated with "modesty".

In a cloud around the word on the board, I wrote the words they called out: simple, humble, humility, moderate, unselfish, unassuming.

Next, we recorded synonyms and words associated with "hottest": competitive, sexy, sexual attractiveness, flashy, center of attention, elite, exclusive.


I didn't have to say much about the two word clouds on the board and what they meant for the phrase. There was a general sense of horror in the room—not because "sexiness" is negative, but because modesty is so clearly supposed to be the direct opposite of vanity, competitiveness, and exclusivity. 

One student said, "It's just funny, what is the big deal?" A fair question—how can a simple, rhymed phrase be harmful? So, we talked about what the phrase reinforces about the doctrine of modesty in terms of our religion. Is modesty just about sexy fashion choices?  And, do we practice modesty in our religion to be exclusive or sexy or competitive?

And, if this phrase is almost exclusively used when talking to women—what does that teach women and men about the purpose of modesty? What beliefs about women does the phrase create?  Are these beliefs false doctrine? Are they blasphemous?

Modesty actually means simplicity and moderation. This can specifically include speech, behavior, and dress. It means freedom from boastfulness.

It means freedom from vanity! 

These are beautiful ideas because the underlying root of vanity and boastfulness is self-consciousness. Christ was not self-consciousness. He was modest. He loved God, himself, and others. This love lead to a kind of inclusivity that has the power to forgive and exalt every human being. So, I think modesty is a sacred doctrine. And, I think the practice of modesty in all its aspects promotes more love (for God, for ourselves, for other people).

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Anyways, what do you think? Has living the doctrine of modesty ever helped you feel the love of God? Has it helped you love others more? Or yourself?

Will you join my campaign to eliminate "modest is hottest" from the spoken and unspoken language of mormon people everywhere?

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Reading list:

What a Pope can teach us about Modesty
The phrase "Do you see this woman", is repeated too many times, but otherwise, it's a great essay.




Of women, the church, and the priesthood: a reading list.



"Don't confuse the power of the priesthood with the keys and offices of the priesthood. The power is limitless and is shared with those who make and keep covenants. Too much is said and misunderstood about what brothers have and sisters don't. This is Satan's way of confusing men and women so that neither understands what they really have."—Julie Beck 

I have wanted to write a post about women and the priesthood for a year or so. But, every time I sat down to write something—there was nothing. I’m grateful for this phenomenon because as I’ve read and discussed and read and listened and discussed and read, I’ve realized the two most important things I can offer anyone in my sphere of influence concerning this issue is awareness and understanding. Plus, I’ve realized there really are a lot of things even the apostles say we just don’t know.

I have had an extremely positive experience in my family and in my religion in terms of being empowered and equal. I can’t explain my feeling of equality academically because no, I cannot baptize anyone or seal a couple in marriage—but it does not mean my experience of equality is not valid.

My experience also does not invalidate the pain of my good friends who feel the opposite.

One reason I disagree with Ordain Women’s demonstration is because there are a hundred questions between “Why would I want to change anything?” and “Should women be ordained to the priesthood?” A hundred questions! I’m not being hyperbolic. And, they are exciting questions! Ones I don’t think should be skimmed or skipped over. However, Ordain Women is creating awareness for an issue we should all care more about.

Although these women are only a few thousand out of millions, they are symbolic of real pain experienced by many women in the church. You know these women. They may be your sister, your mom, your daughter, your wife, the girl in your Beehive class. They are asking hard questions and feeling like they can’t talk to anyone. Or, they are internalizing unfairness they don’t know how to solve. It’s not fair to dismiss their questions under the rug of “they need to have more faith”. 

It’s important to understand why women are asking questions because the entire church will benefit from the resulting empathy and solutions. 

And, I do think that if the women and men of the church are doing all they can to understand and work towards solutions in their own wards, families and communities—and to care about the issue and its questions—with gratitude for knowledge and spiritual gifts already given—we will receive more revelation from God about things of incomplete understanding. And, we can better articulate what we already understand.

So, I present a reading list. It represents a variety of different perspectives—all useful in understanding the context of the argument and in developing empathy and love for others (even if you disagree with them). 

If you only have time to read one article, read this one:
Neylan McBaine “To do the Business of the Church” 
Conference Talks—
Sister Julie Beck May 2013 "...Lessons from the history of Relief Society"
Elder Anderson Oct 2013 "Power in the Priesthood"
Elder Ballard April 2013 "This is my work and my Glory"
Elder Christofferson Oct 2013 "The Moral Force of Women
Transcript "Top Mormon Women Leaders Provide Their Insights into Church Leadership"

Other essays and blog posts on the spectrum:
Valerie Hudson “I am a Mormon because I am a Feminist"
Neylan McMaine "A Moderate Mormon Manifesto"
Tara Boyce "Why I, a Feminist who Wants the Priesthood, Won’t be at the Ordain Women Demonstration"
Kelli "Making me Emotional Today (and a Lot of the Time) 
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What has been helpful to you? What scriptures or talks have been helpful as you've explained your positive experience to others or worked through questions and/or negative experiences?

For the words: I met my husband


Some shoes I was wearing the day before the date.

A year ago today, I went on my first date with my husband.

We went to a Thai restaurant down the road from my house. It was sunny. I remember looking at the sunlight on our table while we talked about things. It was easy to smile in that sunniness. I'd been on so many first dates—I was so good at first dates, and I could tell this date was going to be easy and relaxed.

I didn't expect to go out with him more than a few times because I was moving in two months, so after dinner when he suggested we get dessert, I suggested we go to a grocery store and buy a pint of ice cream. We ate it in his car in front of my house with two spoons and talked about dating. The topic broke one of my rules for first dates, but I was moving and 31 years old (so, who cares)—and it was clearly something fun and funny to discuss on a March night with a skinny moon.

It's super embarrassing now, but somehow in that conversation I had the audacity to say, Don't worry, your wife is going to love you. You will have such a good life. (We had just met! Hi let me be your older sister!)

He had the audacity to read me this quote:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure to keep it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of our selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. 
The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the perturbations of love is Hell." —C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
We'd been talking about the never ending merry-go-round of vulnerability and dating. (It never ever ends!) One of his friends had emailed him the quote a few days before, so he looked it up on his phone right there in the dark of the car for me. I don't think I've ever told anyone that part of the story because it just happened, and it felt ordinary. But, it was one of the best first date conversations of my life.

Usually, I mitigate the anxiety of a first date by pretending my date and I are already good friends, but it was so unusually lovely to be treated as a good friend.

He walked me to the front door, and I walked into my house and up to my room feeling like the prettiest girl in the world (I wrote this post). Everything felt full of possibility.

I really thought we would go out a couple more times and then realize we weren't a match. Which makes the feeling of prettiness he left me with more significant.

Perhaps, because even on that first date, I knew he gave it to me for free. 


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To celebrate this little one year anniversary-- If you're married: share your first date story—did you notice anything different? If you're single, you know I want to hear your best first date stories (because real life is always better than the movies...or The Bachelor :)